Beacuse I love you...

So i decided today to write a post about Ben. I heard a song i love while taking my kids to the jumping place this afternoon. That's something to be proud of By Montgomery Gentry. It always makes me think of Ben. He is very hard on himself most of the time and never feels he is doing enough. He isn't the most religious person in the world i think he is confused on what to believe a lot of the time. He always seems to forget about all we do have and i have to remind him of all the blessing we do have. No, we don't have the biggest house, but its ours and its home. We don't have all the money in the world, but we pay the bills and our kids never go without. We HAVE each other!! That's all that matters. I have faith that all our dreams will come true in due time til then I'll just enjoy the journey that takes us there. Ben is such a beautiful person inside and out with the biggest heart I've ever seen. I'm so very proud of him. He has been through so much and has always provided for his family. He always gets me what i want. I guess you could say I'm a bit spoiled. But I'm so grateful for everything he has and continues to do for us. Its a life you can hang your hat on. I can't begin to describe how much i miss that guy. He brings so much joy to this house. I know he thinks of me as his ROCK but he is really mine too. He makes me crazy at times for sure, but i wouldn't trade him for nothing. He has his faults but so do I. I just know God made him for me. We need each other and when we are apart i feel incomplete. Last night i was on the phone with him and i said:

Me: Its no fun around here without you.
Ben: SHHH...no fun there...its no fun here.
Me: Do you miss being around me?
Ben: ya but your not so much fun. Your kinda a stick in tha mud.
Me: If I'm no fun why do you like to be around me???
Ben: Because I love you.

I love silly little conversations like that. He's always telling me I'm no fun i don't know what he is talking about I'm plenty of fun :)

Speeking of FUN!!!

Well look who it is the ole stick in the mud

SUPER MOM TO THE RESCUE!!!!

Well the day started off just like any other. My friend Whitney came over after she got out of class. We decided to try and mow the lawn since it has not been mowed since Ben left so you can imagine how bad it looked. We went to start the mower and it was dead! So then we thought well maybe we can at least weed eat. So we fought the weed eater for awhile and finally got it to start and i knocked some of it down. I guess the next door neighbor saw us fighting the weed eater and he came over and mowed it for me. YEA!!!! It still needs to be weed eated all over again but its much better than it was. So i wont complain. Then we made cookies to send to Ben. I took the kids to my moms and on the way over there my son stuck a big piece of paper up his nose. He's back there telling me Mommy its stuck and Rylee is laughing. I'm like "OH MY GOODNESS" SO once we get to my moms i had to get the tweezers and try to get this wadded piece of Sundays sales ad out of Cabens nose. He had shoved that thing so far up there i couldn't believe it but what was even more unbelievable was how big it was!! How did that fit up there i thought GEEZ! Me and Whitney went to Micheal's Craft Store and Lowes(I want to make a table to put behind the couch) I'll keep you posted on how that's going! Then back to pick up the kids and back home. Not to eventful just another day in my little world. Mom, landscaper,nasal surgeon and carpenter. The many faces of me!!! HeHe! Nite All!

blah blah blah...

I've been such a slacker with my blog this week. I don't feel i have much to say at all. We are having a sleep over tonight my friends 2 girls are over and are keeping my 2 oldest out of my hair momentarily while I post. Charis has such a tummy ache i just hate it when she doesn't feel good. We just got back from my mothers where I colored and cut my moms and my aunts hair and trimmed up my cousins. Made a little money on the side which is always helpful. I finally delivered some pictures to Ben's cousin that i had taken at their 4th of July and baby session here is a few of the baby shots i took...



I thought they turned out very lovely.
Anyway don't really have to much planned I'm a bit in a funk and have been for the last few days but "this too shall pass"
Have a good night all.

Late weekend recap and yesterdays activities...

I didn't blog over the weekend so here is what we did.Friday my nephew stayed the night and Ben got on the webcam and read them a bedtime story. It was so cute here they are...



Saturday night we had Ben's cousins wedding. It was a lovely wedding an i got some decent shots.


The Bride


Me and the Kiddos


Just a fun shot I took and edited


I stole the rings just so I could get this shot


Me and the happy couple


throwing the bouquet


throwing the guarder


Group shot

And this is what my son and nephew were doing in a corner...silly boys.

Yesterday me and the kids went to Chuck E Cheese for one of my dear friends sons 3rd birthday. My son is totally in love with Chuck E Cheese every time the commercial comes on TV he asked to go. So you can imagine his excitement level was off the charts when i told him we were going.



Photos courtesy of Alisha(can't believe i forgot my Camera)

Cadens Story through the eyes of my best friend...

Hello all! I am Whitney. Sarah and I have been friends since we were in grade school and I’m proud to say that she is my closest friend. We have been through a lot together and I’m honored to be able to be part of her and her family’s life. Sarah has asked me to share my experience with her little man Caden.

I remember the moment Sarah shared her new found secret with me. We were in the hall in between classes; she came up to me and whispered “I’m Pregnant”. I paused and looked at her for a moment to try to read what type of response she needed. This time, one of the only times, I didn’t know what to say to Sarah. Then the questions automatically began to flow from my mouth: Are you OK? Are you upset? Do I say I’m sorry or do I say Congratulations? What are you going to do? Do you need a hug? I mean, what is the right thing to say? we were 16 and in high school! Sarah responded with a smile and said I’m ok I guess congratulations would be ok. My heart ached for Sarah because I knew that her life was going to be completely changed forever. The next step was for her to tell her mother she was scared and didn’t know how to tell her she knew she was going to be so mad. Which she was, Sarah wasn’t allowed to go much of anywhere for a while. As the initial surprise wore off Sarah became more and more excited about nurturing the new life that grew inside her. As Sarah mentioned, her boyfriend at the time was a real piece of work, he was never around and Sarah spent a lot of time alone. Alone in the fact that she didn’t have the support of the so called father, but she did have my support we talked almost every day about how she felt and what it was like to be pregnant and what she expected it to be like when the baby was born. Sarah’s belly began to grow it was surreal little miss size 0 looked like she had a basketball under her shirt. I remember Sarah finding out that the baby was a boy, and she pondered and pondered on what to name her son. Finally, she came to a decision, Caden. We finally had a name to the little person that danced inside her belly. I remember feeling Caden move for the first time, it made me tingle all over to feel that little foot kick out. I was so proud of Sarah; she was going to bring a little person into this world. June 24, 2002 is a day that will stay with me forever. I spoke with Sarah that morning; we had talked about things that would be fun to do once Caden was born. Sarah never once let on that she thought something was wrong. I received a phone call from her a little later that day and she was extremely worried about Caden because she hadn’t felt him move around all morning; I didn’t realize how worried she was, I honestly thought that Caden was just resting up and preparing for his big day. I received another phone call later that day, I saw it was Sarah and thought she’s calling to tell me all is fine, but when I answered the phone Sarah was extremely upset and then she told me that she was scheduled to have a c-section around 4:00 because Caden had passed. I was dumbfounded I didn’t understand how this could happen; she was due in just a few days and hadn’t had any problems during her pregnancy. All I could ask was ask God WHY? All I knew was that I had to stay strong for Sarah and told her I would be at the hospital as soon as possible. I remember crying all the way there. I just didn’t understand why this had to happen to Sarah. When I arrived at the hospital Sarah’s family was in the waiting room, and the look on their faces was ripping me apart. I looked around to find Sarah boyfriend and he was nowhere to be found, I was enraged. The next thing I know the nurse comes to Sarah’ s mom and asks if she would like to see Caden , we all sat silent for a moment and she replied yes. Hope, Sarah’s mother, looked at me and my mom and asked if we would like to come. We were lead into a small room were one of the nurses was holding Caden. She leaned in and whispered something sweet to him and held him tight and then she handed to Sarah’s mom. The realization that Caden wasn’t coming home with Sarah hit me hard in that room. I saw a perfect little boy, absolutely PERFECT! I just didn’t understand why this perfect little boy wasn’t ours to keep. I believe that God works in mysterious ways and that there is a reason for everything that happens, but when you are staring at something so perfect you begin to question what you have believed for so long. The only thing that I will regret is that I didn’t take my chance to hold Caden, at the time I was asked I didn’t feel as if I would be able to. I watched as my mom held him, and all I could do was cry. Telling this little man Goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done. Sarah is one of the strongest women I have ever known. I know that the loss of Caden still affects her life in a large way, and I am glad that she is blogging it out. I feel that it is a step towards healing her emotional wounds. I know that she has a long journey ahead and I just want her to know that I am Always here to walk along side her. I do not care how long the walk is.

Blog Hop

*** This weeks Blog Hop, the theme is THREE THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME (or US). You can express this with photos, writing or a combination.***


First thing you don't know about me, I LOVE TO KARAOKE! Obviously thats me breaking it down on the mic. Singing my all time favorite Fancy by Reba!



Me and my husband have the same middle name:
Benjamin Lee Milam
Sarah Lee Milam

And last but not least, I'm SUPER crafty:
This is a diaper cake I made for my sister's baby shower.

Silent tears...

When I first started writing this blog I think I intended it just to be stories of my life NOW. But since then i have realized there is so much more about my life that has made me who I am today. Like my first born, Caden made such an enormous impact on what I've become and sometimes i feel like his memory is fading from not so much my mind but from the minds all around me. I feel like I cant speak about him. I feel constricted not knowing when its OK to bring him up to people. I dread that look on peoples faces, the look of pity. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable either. I just want to talk about my son because if i don't say anything and you don't say anything its like he never was here. We DO NOT have 3 children we have 4. Its just that 3 can/or will walk and 1 can fly. Just because Caden never took a breath on this earth doesn't mean he did not live. I hate that I have this mask I put on everyday my "happy mask" so that i can go about life in a "Normal" fashion. That's not to say i am not happy. I am, truly and I'm very grateful for all i do have, my husband, my kids here on earth everything we are so blessed. I am happy but deeper much deeper than that my heart is forever grieving, forever broken, forever bleeding for the one thing i desire most. My precious first born. I know people think, your so strong Sarah, but i don't feel strong. So many days I sit here and cry, my children don't even ask me whats wrong anymore. Its been 7 years and this pain feels like it happened yesterday. A piece of me is missing and i hate it. So in an effort to help you know me better and everything around me I'm going to recruit my dear friend Whitney who was the only friend that got to meet Caden face to face. To tell you what she remembers about my joutney with Caden. I want to thank her in advance for doing this. His death was very hard on her but she is truly a wonderful friend practically a sister and I'm so blessed to have he as a friend and so very glad she was there that fateful day. Watch for her post...