Not always how you dreamt it be...

I was inspired today by another blog i read.

"Life ain't always beautiful"

I know this very well. It's not always what we dreamt it would be. We all have our dreams of what our lived should play out to look like, as well as dreams for our children's lives. Just because its not what you had planned for them doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be. I never thought my life would have turned out the way it did. I never imagined i would bury my son, never thought i would marry that guy at teen night, didn't imagine being a military wife, but i did all this. It was written in the stars just this way. Many things have happened in our lives but they are just the stepping stones to our future. I love what we have become, I love what my husband has become as he transformed into a Sailor for the United States Navy and our future is bright. I wouldn't be able to see where I'm going if i didn't remember where i have been. God has a plan and a path that we all go down. Mine, as probably yours, had bumps, dips and in our case almost a divorce along the way but nothing gives me more pride now than MY family intact and stronger than ever. This has been HIS plan for me and mine and I'm thankful everyday for my loving husband and my beautiful kids and even though its not a fairytale in some eyes it is in ours nonetheless.

No good very bad day...

Well yesterday definitely was one of the worst days yet. The kids were just bouncing off the walls and not listening at all. I wanted to go get something to eat for dinner i woke the baby up got everyone ready got in the car and turn the key...it was DEAD. So i unloaded the kids put the baby back to sleep and made the other 2 ramon noodles then i walked out of the room for 2 seconds came back and my daughter had spilt the noodles EVERYWHERE. Lord, give me strength. I was so upset and i was crying. I just knew i was having a nervous breakdown. So today i decided to go to a friends house and get out of those 4 walls i feel trapped in. Of course that was after i got my friends husband to come jump start the car. Its been a lot better today though i guess because they have my friends kids to play with and their house is much bigger than mine so they are not right up on top of each other. Hopefully this isn't what its going to be like this whole deployment. I feel bad for Ben, I know he is worried about me. Heck i'm worried about me. Ok guys i got to go.

Let's Eat

I didn't Blog yesterday as you can see but a short recap of the day. Of course I watched my niece and brother all day. Then that evening took some picture for Ben's cousin of their kiddos. I took these of Caben and Charis...





I still have to do Rylees. After the little photo shoot i went to dinner with a close friend then just back home.

Today My sister came over to help me clean my house and crack the whip on my kids to clean theirs,LOL (sorry Georgia)I also gave Charis her first bites of baby food, apples to be exact heres a look at how that went...







She doesn't really know what to think yet but she sure looked cute. She didn't understand why she couldn't suck on it. Crazy girl!

Poor Ben got some vaccines Thursday that made him very ill. He was much better the next day but the shot he got unfortunately is part of a six part series. Not good! I felt sorry for him, but i guess it better then getting what ever they are vaccinating him for. Other than that he seems to be just fine and i think i'm doing better too.

5 years ago today...

On this day 5 years ago i was getting ready to walk down the isle at the end of that isle was you. You looked so happy and i couldn't wait for you to be my husband. We have been through a lot and i mean ALOT over the 10 years we have been apart of each others lives some were happy, some sad. We have literally grown up before each others eyes. We have continued to conquer all that has been thrown at us. We have made 4 of the most beautiful children and i thank you for them. You are a wonderful person even though half the time you don't think so. You have a smile that can light up this whole town and i melt when i see it. We are now entering another trailing time in our lives and our marriage. WE WILL CONQUER THIS TOO! You mean the world to me and i would climb mountains to be with you. I am SO proud of the man you have become. Its our Anniversary today and i wish you were here with me but we will stand strong til you come home. I love you whole bunches.

Pictures from the WEEKEND!!!

Caben, Ben and Rylee


Brad And Brittany(Ben's twin and his wife)


I think he gave my son beer! grrr! Bitter beer face!


CY"S BIRTHDAY PARTY!



Jaime and Cy(my nephew)


My nephew Koltyn


Ben and our daughter Rylee


Them again


You guys didn't know my hubby was a super hero did you????

Gazing upon perfection...

Today is a very special day! Today I celebrate someone that is very near and dear to my heart you have never met him, seen him or heard him. But he is a HUGE part of who I am. He is my Son, Caden Paul, born still June 24th 2002. I will tell you his story. I found out i was pregnant when i was sixteen. I was not with Ben at the time but as far as I'm concerned he is and will always be his Son. I was with a horrible guy that treated me badly but i was the naive pregnant teen ignoring all those things he was doing to me. I went to school half a day and the other half went to MCC for Cosmetology after school i worked at a daycare but after that i would go home and was utterly alone. I never could get a hold of my "so called boyfriend" he would hardly come see me, He got some STRIPPER pregnant while i was. Yeah it was beyond bad but Ben was always there for me. I knew i could always count on his protection. Throughout this i depended on the companionship of this little guy inside me. I talked to him all the time he would kick me and hold his little foot out and i would grab at it and he'd jerk it back. Every penny i made i saved for him i was determined not to depend on my parents for everything i wanted to do all i could to make my parents as proud of me as i could since i had let them down. June 24th, that morning i woke up and i had slept longer than normally. I thought "that's weird you didn't wake me up, Caden". So i squished at my tummy and he didn't play back like normal. "That's odd" I called my DR. the told me drink some orange juice and take a shower and if you still don't feel him call them back. OK i did just that. As i layed in the bath i could feel his little foot so as always i grabbed it. He didn't jerk it back. I called the Dr. back and told them still nothing they didn't seem to concerned but told me to come in. I called my Mom and told her she asked me if i wanted her to come with me. I told her she could if she wanted to but i was sure it was nothing. She decided to come. Did i mention i couldn't get a hold of the loser! So off to the Dr. we went we got in there they took me back and the nurse tried to hook me up to the fetal monitor it seemed like forever and I'll never forget that look she had on her face but she never said a word finally she gave up and said "I'll be right back" She came back pretty quickly and the Dr. wants you to come to the ultrasound room. So with just a sheet wrapped around me i walked down the hall and got on the table there. My Dr. came in and started to look around for herself once again it seemed like an eternity finally she looked back at my mom and shook her head. I just fell to pieces before i knew it my mom had my face in her hands and kept saying "You know we wanted him, Sarah, you know we wanted him." I remember hearing my Dr. telling i had options I could wait and go into labor. i could be induced, i could have a c-section and have a spinal and be able to have someone in the room with me or be put under and go alone. I chose to be put under after all the reward at the end of labor or a c-section is getting to hear your sweet baby's cry. I knew i would not be getting to hear that.She then said, "I cant tell what happened but I'll be able to tell you more when I get in there. From there we went to the hospital and its all kind of blurry. Ya that Loser showed up eventually. Before they took me back they asked me if i wanted to see him and i told them no i don't really know why i guess i was just thinking it was going to be to hard to let him go if i saw him. So after the surgery they wheeled me back to recovery. I was in horrible pain physically and emotionally. I felt like i was dying my heart ached and my incision felt like it was on fire i could barely move. My mom came in and said,"Sarah you really need to see him, he's beautiful." So i agreed to see him the moment they brought him over to me i felt all the pain leave my body it was so surreal there was just the most calming feeling that came over me and i was able to sit up. I took a good look at this perfect little creation i had nurtured, talked to, and dreamed about all this time. My mom was right he was beautiful. I looked under his little hat because the whole time i was pregnant i hoped he would have hair like me when i was born. He had dark wavy hair and just the cutest little nose. I gave my son a kiss and i told him that mommy loved him VERY much and told the nurse she could take him back now. At my young 16 yrs of age i never in my wildest dream thought i would be faced with the challenge of saying Hello and Goodbye in the same sentence. Later my mom would tell me about the nurse and what had happened what she saw when she went to meet her grandson. She told me a nurse came and got them and told them to fallow her the went into a room where the saw another nurse hold my precious angel. She said it was the sweetest thing the nurse held him close, rocked him back and forth and was whispering to him. I just thought how wonderful of them to be so kind to him. My family and friends got to see my little guy and i was so thankful. The next few days would prove to be as much of a challenge as i layed my son to rest next to my great grandpa. Caden died 5 days before his due date he was 6lbs 9oz and 19in long he was born at 5:19 in the afternoon. I came to my senses a couple of days after his funeral and dumped that horrible guy i was with i never heard from that family again. They did not help with his funeral or ever call and check on me after i layed Caden down. If nothing else came out of this experience i gained my respect for myself back and got rid of that guy which in turn made room for one true love to come back into my life, Ben. Thank you Ben for being such a wonderful father to all OUR children. Happy Birthday Caden. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. I know you are with me always. Til we meet again, son. Be good for your Great Granny and Pa. I LOVE YOU!

They say it gets easier with time, WHEN? Ive cryed through this whole Blog just as i did the day it all happened. Caden would be 7 today.

Workin on my Fitness...

Okay so I blogged yesterday in the morning so I didn't get to tell you about my evening. Alisha called me yesterday afternoon and asked if i wanted to go workout with her after she got off work so I thought great a perfect reason to get out of the house. I jumped at the opportunity to work on my fitness. Plus I got to take the kids because the have a daycare. YEAH!!! Adult time away from the kiddos and getting to try and work off this baby fat I'm still holding on to. It was wonderful we ran a mile in under 15min with may not sound to good to you but to me it was an accomplishment for sure. After that we went to the elliptical we stayed on that for just under a mile. I thought for sure I would be completely useless today from being sore but I'm good. I guess I'm not as out of shape as I thought. So we are definitely going to try and go as often as possible. Also just to update you guys on Ben he is getting to call me everyday because they have set them up in a hotel the barracks are completely full so he isn't even on base. He has his own room even isn't that GREAT??? Lucky him! His buddy wanted to share his room but Ben told him he was going to stay by himself for when I get to come out and visit. Yeah!!!I miss him so much but its not so bad right now since we are able to talk so often.

Sorry no pictures yet from the weekend I will get them ASAP!!!!

Weekend Recap

Okay let me recap our weekend for you. I'll apologize now that i left my camera at my moms so i wont be able to post picture till tomorrow but i will. So Friday we went out to eat. Way more people showed up than we thought would and that was great family,friends,co-workers and neighbors. It was really nice. So needless to say we were a bit cramped but oh well i didn't mind hopefully no one else did either. We went out after word for some dancing and such of course i did karaoke. I know I'm a nerd! Ben i think had a bit to much fun but I'm glad he had such a good time. Saturday we had to go to my nephew's 4th birthday at the Robinson pool. Everyone had a good time and i got some great shots of the twins(Ben and Brad)(Brad's my brother in law if you don't know them)diving off the high dive. After that we went home i was thinking for a quit afternoon to just be together as a family but before i knew Ben was leaving to go see a movie. He took our two oldest kids with him and i stayed behind and i wont lie i was hurt that Saturday wasn't set aside for just our family. I mean it was the last day we would be together in along time but maybe I'm just being selfish. 4 hours later they came home and at that point he had to pack(he puts everything off til the last possible moment)of course while he was at the movies i did manage to get the things i knew he would need together and folded them very nicely on the table for him. So that was one less thing to do. Then the phone rang off the hook, his brother came by, of course i told you the neighbors stopped by. I don't mean for this to sound like a complaint but I was terribly hurt that we didn't get to be just us one last day. I don't intend for it to sound rude at all. I mean i understand everyone wanted there "last moment" with him just like me. But i don't feel like i got one at all. By the end of the night i was so sad about all this all i could do was cry. I didn't have my last intimate night with my husband before he left because all i could do was cry. I know people who's husbands deployed and the day before he told everyone "I will not be taking phone call or seeing anyone on my final day here" It was simple reserved for his Wife and Children i just really wish ours could have been that way. But oh well whats done is done i just needed to type it out loud(if that makes since)and now I'm over it. Sunday was THE day of course as I've told you already after that i went and got a Starbucks with my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law and then off to the what seemed to be a very empty house. My friend called and we went swimming and after that i had her come with me to my parents house for dinner. We had a nice time talked about high school, jr. high and such. We were so funny back then. I'm so very thankful for my friends they've seen me through a lot. Bless Everyone and thanks for visiting!

The Milam House Pop. 4???

Well the day is about over but I'm dreading the night. Ben left today i handled it fairly well but when i got home i slept and slept i could have slept the whole day away but my good friend Alisha came to the rescue and took me and my oldest kiddos swimming. It was a good distraction for not only myself but for my babies. I knew it was going to be hard, I knew i was going to miss him but you can't prepare your self for this kind of hurt. Last night some good friends of Ben's came over and prayed for us. We stood there in our front yard holding hands and i could have just burst into tears as we prayed for safety, strength and for our marriage and children. This morning i hated waking my kids up saying, "Come on kiddos wake up its time to take Daddy to the airport." Ben loaded them all up and away we went i cried most the way trying to suck it up and asking about things he may had forgotten. I sat there looking down at the hand intertwined in mine and couldn't help thinking, who will scratch your back at night before you go to bed? Who will cut your hair? Who will be there to help you find things right in front of your face? I hate being without my other half. But i am so very proud of him. And we will stay strong and bring him honor just like he is for us. I love you Ben! Happy Fathers Day!!! Sorry for no update on how his party went i didn't feel like writing about happy stuff I'll try and recap for you tomorrow.

We're BAAACCKKK

Well we're back from Fort Worth I got my ID card and all that other good stuff. It went really smoothly considering we are talking about the military. We went to the commissary and got a few things and then just went roaming around the base. Took this picture...





Any way we ended up taking the baby so we didn't get that quiet day i was hoping for and to top it off my little sweetie cried the whole time...well not the whole time but for a baby that NEVER cries it felt like it. So definitely not the relaxing day i was expecting.Oh well tomorrows another day and its the PARTY!!!!! I can't wait i really hope there is a good turn out for him. But if not that's fine we will make what ever we get the funnest it can be. Probably wont post Friday but i'll catch you Sat. Have a GREAT nite all!!!

UP UP AND AWAY!!!!!!

So I don't think I ever said...I'm a full time Wife and Girlfriend to my husband a part-time hairstylist and always a full time mommy and have been since Dec. when my older sister went back to work after the birth of my FIRST niece (on my side that is). After years of TTC they finally had a precious baby girl.(KEEP YOUR HEAD UP TTC GIRLS YOUR DAY IS COMING, I KNOW IT) When she went back to work I started to keep her during the day. Its a challenge definitely to handle my soon to be 6yr old my 3yr old my 4 month old and my 6 month old niece not to mention since school let out I've had my 17yr old Autistic brother. Ya you could definitely say I've got a full house. So at the end of the day when its time to blog I'm a bit frazzled. Tonight all my kids are STILL up, running around, eating Ramon noodles, watching Spongebob and carrying on. Its never a dull moment. I just put the baby down for bed(hope she goes). And it time to try and catch my breath. After my bro and niece, Aria, got picked up my family and my mother in law went to the movies. We saw UP such a cute movie but if your are highly sensitive to miscarriage or loss although there is just a small part in the movie about it brace your self. I made it though "that" part alright but a few years ago i definitely wouldn't have. Well I'll save that blog for another day. Still very good movie. Tomorrow i have to wake up super early and go down to Fort Worth with the hubby to get my military ID card, power of attorney and couple other things. My mom is keeping my brother and Aria and our kids are off to Ben's moms. A whole day to ourselves we really need it. We've been a bit snippy towards each other because all the stress we're under so hopefully we de-stress a bit at least. Thanks everyone really your prayers are very important to us.

Brighter posts to come...

I've been so negative the past few days I'm really trying to do better. Today we made our arrangements for the party for Ben. So Friday, Mi Tequila at 6:30 we got to reserve the whole back room/bar area. Then its off to Wild West which I don't know how fun that will be on a Friday I've only ever gone on Sat. but as long as quite a few people show up i know we will have a good time. I'll take my camera and post some from the festivities! I've been listening to a CD "These Boots" A spouses guide to stepping up and standing tall during deployment. Don't really know if its helping or making me sadder but I'm trying. I was reading a friends blog today about her best friend and how they could always lean on her for support through those trialing years of high school and now in there adult years are still leaning on only another through there similar situations. I was telling Ben today that I don't really have someone to lean on anymore well i do for now i guess but the 2 girlies i lean on the most are about to be moving away. We are not near a naval base where I would be with others going through the same thing so it just makes this whole deployment that much harder. What do you do in a situation such as this and really and truly my besties don't know a thing about the military anyway not that they aren't comforting non the less but still it makes a difference when you have someone to relate too. (and then Ben says I'm not that friendly anyway) He's so mean!! Oh well putting my thoughts on here i really think will help at least i can tell...well anyone who'll listen! Sorry guys I promise my post will be brighter soon!! Thanks for the prayers and listening to my pitty party I'm going to do better.By the way, Hope you like the new header I just wasn't completely happy with the first one!!!

So much to do so little time...

There is SO much to do still before Ben leaves and I'm feeling so overwhelmed. We need a power of attorney still, Ben's got a ticket he needs to take care of, I have to get copies of recent bills for Ben to give to...well i don't know where those are going but apparently he needs those too. Along with so much more and yet just when i start on something I just get in a real funk and give up. That's probably why my house has been in such disarray. I finally got off my lazy bum and cleaned the kitchen up. I just haven't been this depressed in a long time, AND HE HASN'T EVEN LEFT YET!!

Dear Lord, give me the strength to stand tall and guide me through this day. Be with Ben and calm his fears. In your name I pray, Amen.

Last night when we were at my in-laws, Ben was in the back of the house for long time talking to his dad. Which doesn't happen very often, they are not as close as Ben would like. So it was a bit strange for them to be back there as long as they were. Later when me and Ben were driving home he told be bits and pieces of what was said. Stuff about him leaving and things i dare not say allowed. It really made me nervous. I haven't ever really worried about that aspect of it but the way he talked about it last night sounded so real. We had to talk about cemetery plots.~shudder~ His dad asked him if he needed a plot and Ben said he didn't know. It kind of made me sad because he knows the answer to that and its NO, I have 2 plots for us next to our oldest son and my grandparents and that is were we will lay many years from now when we die just like the OLD couple in "The Notebook". (if you haven't ever seen it you should) I have to get it together and buckle down for the long hall.

The time nears...

Today we had a pretty laid back day. We went to church this morning and I added Ben to our prayer list along with Annabelle and her family. Then it was off to the in-laws we all loaded up and went to walmart for a bit then back to Ben's parents for Sunday dinner. (we almost always have Sunday dinner and everyone comes) After Ben's sisters left me and Ben's mom sat on the drive way and talked about how we couldn't believe that before to long we would be making that trip to the airport to drop Ben off. I just don't know how we are going to make it with out him and on top of that i'm so worried about our finances. I know ben is worried about leaving us in such a bind, but i'll just have to figure it out.

This too shall pass.

Some people only dream of angels...

I wanted to post something today for my dear friend Annabelle. Today she is having a memorial service for her son, Kaleb Dean Loper, born still on May 31st.She was 24 weeks along with her Angel when the Lord called him home to Him. I'm unable to attend since my daughter and husband are sick today. So i wanted to dedicate a post to her and her family and ask for your prayers. Having gone through this myself my heart aches. I believe there is no pain worse then laying your child to rest. I remember a story that the Elder in my church, Buddy, told at my sons funeral. I'll try to tell it here but I'll tell you now it wont be a beautiful as when Buddy told it.

A mother and father are at the hospital having there second child. A healthy baby girl was born. The father stepped out to go and get their son from the waiting room where he eagerly awaited the arrival of his new baby sister. The father took his young sons hand and they started off down the hall. The boy was pulling and tugging on his dads hand, "Hurry daddy, hurry!" The father asked his son, "Boy, whats the rush?" They neared the door and as the little boy pushed the door open he turned and looked at his dad and said,"I have to hurry and ask my sister about Heaven before she forgets."

I loved that story. We forget all about the wonderful and beautiful place we came from in those first few moments of life outside our mothers womb. But unlike the baby girl in this story Kaleb never had to forget about Heaven he got to go straight back Home. Although it hurts beyond words for Kalebs parents he is safe and happy in our Fathers arms. He served what purpose he was meant to and although it doesn't seem fair and you didn't want him to go he had to. It was not his choice to leave, it was Gods will. For those who have lost a child due to stillbirth, SIDS or late miscarriage and got meet the baby you created. Keep these word close...Some People Only Dream of Angels, You Held One In Your Arms.

How am I going to squeeze it all in...

OK so my hubby is getting ready to deploy and I'm trying to squeeze everything in. I wanted to have a going away party for him but i don't know how the heck i can. The sat before is out of the question i think he needs to spend his last day with the kids. Then there is Friday but Ben's sister wont get off work till that afternoon and she doesn't think she will have enough time to get things together. (we would do it there because she has the most room) My house is way to small for a party we would look like sardines in a can. So i don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just tell everyone we are going out Friday night tell them were we will be and call it done. Hey now! That's an idea!! WHY DON'T I DO THAT!!!! Then we wouldn't have to worry bout food and all that jazz. We could all just go cut loose out somewhere...okay I'm running that idea by the fam. tonight! Hopefully something will work out. This has been so stressful. Everyone want there time with him and i understand that totally. I feel a bit selfish because i don't want him to miss a moment with me and the kids. I got to stop that and share but its hard. I'm with him all the time and I'm about to hand him over to the Navy for a year of our lives, a year of his kids lives its so hard to think about. I gotta face the music though he's going to leave and its going to be me and my babies and we HAVE to make it here without him. I...I just want it to be all over and us go about our daily life. But then i think, what is this WAR going to do to my sweet, happy go lucky guy? One of the main things i think about is when he comes home, Will he be so different i don't recognize him? I mean i know he will be different i just worried it will really screw him up. I don't know i'll just keep praying all goes well.

A change of plans...

I am so excited to announce that I will be getting an extra 2 days with my husband before he leaves. We thought he would be leaving on a Friday but as it turns out HE LEAVES ON A SUNDAY!!!! That will give me a little extra time to throw a going away party for him. Which he has been hinting around at ;) I'm not the best at throwing a party so i have enlisted the help of my sisters in laws!!! So we will see if we can get it together!

I wanted to share some thing i found on the Internet... THE NAVY WIFE CREED. I am the wife of a American Sailor. I am a supporter of the United States Navy-an encouragement for the protectors of this great nation on earth. Because I am proud of my husband and the uniform he wears, i will always act in ways creditable to him, the military service and the nation he is sworn to guard. I am proud of my husband. I will do all i can to protect and provide for our family in his absence. i will be loyal to my husband and to the vows that we made as we entered the covenant of marriage. I will do my full part to carry on the values and goals we have set apart for our family and i will continue to instruct our children in the same manner. As a sailor's wife, i realize that i play a vital role in my husband's decision to become a member of a time-honored profession-that I am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom for which my country stands. No matter what situation I am in, I will never do anything, for pleasure, profit, or personal safety, which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country. I will use every means i have to encourage my husband to be the best sailor that he can be. I am proud of my husband and the generations of men and woman that have served our beloved country. I will try to make my husband proud of the manner in which i accept his decision to defend my freedom the freedom of all American citizens-for I am the wife of an American Sailor.

Here we are...

[UNDER CONSTRUCTION]

Hello all!!!! I 'm Sarah and welcome to my family blog. I am new to the site and definetly have not figured all this out yet so til further notice consider the site under construction!!! You may or may not know us so here's a run down of our lives. I met my now husband(Ben) in the summer of 2000 at a teen night here in our home town.(ya you heard me TEEN NIGHT). He went to high school at my schools rival. ROBINSON!!!! So as you could probably guess i went to Lorena! I married my sweetie in June of 2005. We have a herd of children(well that's what it feels like anyway) Caden(would be 7, he is passed), daughter Rylee 6, son Caben 4 and our latest addition Charis 4 months pronounced Care-is <----just to clear up any confusion.

Ben is in the United States Navy and is a Seabee and we are incredible proud of him!!!! I never knew my heart could me so proud of someone till i saw my man in uniform for the first time. WOW... its really a sight! My husband is about to leave for our First deployment....agh!!!!!! Here i am 3 kids at home one of which is a infant and the only adult conversation i have in this house is going to be a million miles away for who knows how long!!!!! Needless to say i am petrified. I have no real clue what to expect. So I'm here to keep everyone posted on how thing are going around the Milam house hold!!! Please pray for a safe and speedy deployment with me!!! God Bless everyone reading and thanks for coming. I'm sure this going to be a very interesting blog for sure.