Silent tears...

When I first started writing this blog I think I intended it just to be stories of my life NOW. But since then i have realized there is so much more about my life that has made me who I am today. Like my first born, Caden made such an enormous impact on what I've become and sometimes i feel like his memory is fading from not so much my mind but from the minds all around me. I feel like I cant speak about him. I feel constricted not knowing when its OK to bring him up to people. I dread that look on peoples faces, the look of pity. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable either. I just want to talk about my son because if i don't say anything and you don't say anything its like he never was here. We DO NOT have 3 children we have 4. Its just that 3 can/or will walk and 1 can fly. Just because Caden never took a breath on this earth doesn't mean he did not live. I hate that I have this mask I put on everyday my "happy mask" so that i can go about life in a "Normal" fashion. That's not to say i am not happy. I am, truly and I'm very grateful for all i do have, my husband, my kids here on earth everything we are so blessed. I am happy but deeper much deeper than that my heart is forever grieving, forever broken, forever bleeding for the one thing i desire most. My precious first born. I know people think, your so strong Sarah, but i don't feel strong. So many days I sit here and cry, my children don't even ask me whats wrong anymore. Its been 7 years and this pain feels like it happened yesterday. A piece of me is missing and i hate it. So in an effort to help you know me better and everything around me I'm going to recruit my dear friend Whitney who was the only friend that got to meet Caden face to face. To tell you what she remembers about my joutney with Caden. I want to thank her in advance for doing this. His death was very hard on her but she is truly a wonderful friend practically a sister and I'm so blessed to have he as a friend and so very glad she was there that fateful day. Watch for her post...